A Fortuitous Encounter in Listening

But more than Vasudeva could teach him, he was taught by the river.  Incessantly, he learned from it.  Most of all he learned from it to listen, to pay close attention with a quiet heart, with a waiting, opened soul, without passion, without a wish, without judgement, without an opinion

- Herman Hesse, Siddhartha, 1922.

The following paper is written informally, in the first person, as it is a personal account of self-reflection.  The first part of this paper is a brief recollection and background information for the reader about an encounter with a person that would lead me to a new and exciting career.  Next, I write about how listening enhances and increases the probability of fortuitous encounters.  Finally, I attempt to lay out an action plan that will hopefully bring about better listening habits in both myself and the reader.

Background

I feel that it is important to begin by presenting the reader with a bit of background information that should hopefully provide a context that will allow for a greater understanding of the issue of which I write about.  In March of 2009, after having recently received a degree in Business Administration with a concentration in Information Technology from Old Dominion University in Norfolk, Virginia, I had begun my search for employment in the technology sector.  Unfamiliar with many of the position titles that my degree had prepared me for, I began to seek out advice from people who were already working in fields that I was excited about.  To accomplish this, among other things, I joined a few groups on LinkedIn.com that were related to my career interests and began asking questions.  It was through one of these forums that I met Rob.  Rob noted that he worked for a technology firm that was based not far from my home in Hampton Roads, Virginia.  He told me that I was welcome to stop by his office during lunch time to talk about the industry.  Needless to say, I jumped at the offer.

True to his word, Rob gave me a primer on the sector of the technology industry that he worked in.  He introduced me to several of his colleagues and took me on a tour of the office.  During our conversation, I found out that, like me, Rob had served in the U.S. Navy.  Rob had also attended school at my Alma matter.  He took me back to his office and asked me about my educational background and aspirations.  After a long conversation, Rob noted that while the company normally hired only certified engineers, he felt confident that my background would be a good fit.  Imagine my surprise when he set up a meeting for the following week with his leadership team and asked me to email him my resume.

The meeting seemed to go rather smoothly and another week passed.  Rob called me during the weekend and asked me if I wouldn’t mind going to lunch with him and some other members of his staff.  After the lunch, he told me that he and the leadership team had called the division office in Albuquerque, New Mexico and were given the green light to hire me.  My fortunate and fortuitous encounter with Rob had landed me a position with a Fortune 500 company!
Fortuitous Encounters

Davis & Spears noted that, “We have all experienced “fortuitous encounters” – those moments where a person, place, or thing causes our lives to change in a more positive direction” (p. 1, 2013).  My fortuitous encounter with Rob not only helped me with my career, it changed my life.  Almost overnight, I went from a poor college student to a career-minded, successful member of society.

Fortuitous encounters are not only stumbled upon by chance, they can also be sought out.  “The ability to experience fortuitous encounters is key to learning and growth.  Davis & Spears wrote that, “the more fortuitous encounters that someone has, the better the odds that the person is successful and happy” (p. 2, 2013).  It is also more probable that people are more satisfied and fulfilled when experiencing such encounters frequently (p.viii).    

We seek out fortuitous encounters by listening and sometimes, by being listened to.  In my case, Rob was receptive to my inquiries and proved to be a great listener.  I had to ask myself, could I have done the same if I were in a similar position?  What does it mean to be a great listener?  How could I become a better listener?

Enhancing Listening Capacity

Like many other subjects we study, we should first assess our baseline in order to create a point of reference to measure aptitude, change, and effectiveness. “[…W]hen each of us becomes aware of and accepts our current listening capacity […], that awareness point can then become a benchmark or base for improving our listening” (Horseman & Hazel, 2013, p.9).  Benchmarking, in the case of measuring listening effectiveness and capacity may be accomplished in many ways.  One effective methodology that does not require a lab or expensive recording equipment is to simply ask another person to observe and report on your listening skills.  Another method is self-assessment.  Ask yourself questions such as, do I interrupt people?  If the other person is having difficulty explaining something, do I attempt to state what I believe they are thinking?  Do I attempt to solve the speaker’s problem while they are still speaking?  These questions and many more can give us an idea of what kind of listener we truly are.  Greenleaf once noted that, “[U]nless someone else has observed and reported on our communication habits, we probably don’t know whether we listen [well] or not” (1996, p.69-70).  There are many other articles, books, and online resources that will aid you in your baseline assessment.

Now that we have established a benchmark, what are some methodologies that we can use to improve our listening capacity and skills?  While there are numerous methods we can use to develop enhanced listening skills, this paper shall focus on three approaches that somewhat blend together but may prove constructive: Listening first and judging later; Empathetic listening; and Unfiltering to maximize listening comprehension.

Listen First, Judge Later

When we listen first, we reserve judgement and advising until we have heard all that the speaker has to say.  “By being more present (more attentive […]) with another person, we in turn may also stimulate and affirm a more attentive presence within the other person, creating the potential for enhanced mutual awareness and learning” (Horseman & Hazel, 2013, p.9).  When someone speaks to a truly attentive listener and not someone who is attempting to solve their problems or judge them, they are likely to be more candid with the listener (Burley-Allen, 1995, p.5; Greenleaf, 1996, p.70).  “A request for listening is usually not a request for giving advice.  [sic] It is a request to be listened to nonjudgmentally, from the heart” (Burley-Allen, 1995, p. 6).  In my encounter with Rob in his office during our first meeting, he asked me open ended questions and did not attempt to solve an issue by asking if I had any specific skill sets, nor did he make any suggestions until I had asked him.

Empathetic Listening 

To listen with empathy is to attempt to “seek first to understand, then to be understood” (Covey, 2014) and to emotionally and sympathetically connect with the speaker.  When listening empathetically, “[t]he listener sets in motion a positive, mutually rewarding process by demonstrating interest in both the talker and what the talker says.  The talker feels more accepted and gives more valid information [sic]” (Burley-Allen, 1995, p.6).  According to Burley-Allen’s Three Levels of Listening, it might be said that Rob is a “Level 1” listener.  Level 1 listening is empathetic listening.
At this level, listeners refrain from judging the talker and place themselves in the other’s position, attempting to see things from his or her point of view.  Some characteristics of this level include being aware and in the present moment; acknowledging and responding; not letting oneself be distracted; paying attention to the speaker’s total communication, including body language; being empathetic to the speaker’s feelings and thoughts; and suspending one’s own thoughts and feelings to give attention solely to listening.  (1995, p.14)

Here, along with themes of empathy, we see aspects of our first approach, Listen First, Judge Later.  The final line of the aforementioned quote refers to placing our own thoughts and feelings on hold.  To take it a step further, we should look at unfiltering our perceptions of the speaker so as to hear him or her as they intended and not through a veil of our self-imposed speaker attributes.

Unfiltering

To listen and to truly hear someone, we must learn to perceive them in an unfiltered state.  Jiddu Krishnamurti noted that the images we have of a person in our mind are often derived through filters such as previous encounters with the person, religion, culture, and prejudice to name a few.  These screens alter how we hear their message (1974).  How then are we able to hear the speakers true intended communication if we are listening through an image that we have built in our minds?  Listening with an open mind can be a difficult practice.  Awareness of one’s own prejudices and cultural bias as well as being agreeable to the influence of another can go a long way toward eventual open-mindedness.

Parting Thoughts

Logically, by improving our listening skills, we increase the probability of fortuitous encounters.  There is more to listening than a mere passive sensory capability based on physical reception of auditory waves that are sent to the brain for interpretation.  Listening is “an attitude toward other people and what they are attempting to express.  It begins with attention, both the outward manifestation and the inward alertness” (Greenleaf, 1996, p. 70).  The practices prescribed in this paper are designed to bring about a more positive and fruitful listening experience and thereby increasing the likelihood of future fortuitous encounters.  By establishing a baseline, listening first and judging later, listening empathetically, and unfiltering, we are able to maximize comprehension as well as listening capacity.

References

Burley-Allen, M. (1995). Listening: The forgotten skill - A self-teaching guide (2nd ed., pp. 5-6, 14, 35). New York, NY: John Wiley & Sons.

Covey, S. (2014). Habit 5 Seek First to Understand Then to Be Understood. [Video file]. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9TvNVqj32M.

Davis, P., & Spears, L. (Eds.). (2013). Fortuitous encounters: Wisdom stories for learning and growth. (pp. viii, 1, 2). Mahwah, New Jersey: Paulist Press.

Greenleaf, R. (1996). On becoming a servant-leader (pp. 69-70) (D. Frick & L. Spears, Eds.). San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass.

Hesse, H. (2011). Siddhartha (p. 97). Simon & Brown.

Horseman, J.H., & Hazel, M. (2013). Servant-leadership and listening: Serving and developing authenticity. (p. 9). Spokane, Washington: Gonzaga University.

Krishnamurti, J. (1974). Jiddu Krishnamurti: The art of listening. [Video file]. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xWviUF6KdE8.